Wave Your Flag

This past Independence Day brought me back to memories of a simpler time. Once, while still in high school, some friends and I went on a hike through the Blue Ridge Mountains.

On this particular day, on this particular hike, we came upon an old dilapidated deer tree stand. So, of course, we decided it would be a dandy fine idea to climb it. Because when you’re a teenager you’re not really living unless you’re playing Russian roulette with your life. I don’t quite remember, but I’m pretty sure I was one of the first ones to go up because I was often volunteered to test the structural integrity of such things.

The poor excuse for a “ladder” was really just some old planks of wood ambiguously nailed into a tree trunk. As I started to climb up the split and partly rotted toothpick steps, I thought, “why, oh why?” As I got higher, the wind blew—just to say hello.

When I got to the top, those down below asked, “How’s it look up there?” I thought, “Oh yes, just terrific! Lovely view. I’m so glad I climbed all the way up here just so that I could see the same trees that I could already see on the ground, but now, I clearly appreciate those trees more because I’m about to die.”

I then carefully, gingerly began my descent. But as I climbed down, one of my friends started to climb up. Naturally, he had determined that this was the perfect time and place to pants me.

I shouted, “Hey, what are you doing‽ Cut that out! Get outta here!” But my pleas for mercy went unacknowledged. Soon I was hanging up there in that tree, twenty feet off the ground with my derrière exposed to the elements.

At the time, I was a wee bit embarrassed. But now, looking back, I take it all as a reminder to be proud of your heritage and what your momma gave you. You are a truly beautiful individual, fearfully and wonderfully made.

I like to think I did Harland Williams (RocketMan, 1997) proud. Hugging the top of that tree with my posterior flapping in the wind like a flag. I was a proud flag; a regal, high-flying flag suitable for fireworks and hot dogs—a display of what it truly means to celebrate independence.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: however you choose to celebrate the Fourth of July, don’t do it with aerial rockets at 1:30 A.M. IN THE MORNING (redundancy for literary affect)! Because I now have the city police non-emergency number on speed dial.

“Every individual has a place to fill in the world and [he/she] is important in some respect, whether he/she chooses to be so or not.” – Nathaniel Hawthorne

In Homage to My Mom

My mother visited us this past Christmas. It’s great, I love it when she visits because she’s always so incredibly helpful at pointing out all the things that I can improve. It’s like having a permanent free life coach. You know, like one year I’m too skinny, another year I’m too fat; last year I needed to change my hairstyle, this year I need to shave. Like many, I would be totally lost without my mom’s constant advice and “constructive” criticism. Now I’m the perfect weight with flawless hair and skin, just ask my wife.

Besides her impeccable tastes, however, I love when my mom visits us because she is famous for bringing exotic gifts.

For example, a few Decembers ago, my mom brought a super useful set of items that I didn’t realize we so desperately needed. When I picked up her luggage I was taken aback and sarcastically asked, “Mom, what do you have in these bags, rocks‽” Well, I came home from work the next day to find the floor in our largest room completely covered with chestnuts. So, not rocks this time. It looked like some kind of weird Home Alone booby-trap scenario. My mom said that she was drying them out. Of course, how foolish of me to be confused. It makes perfect sense to fill an entire suitcase with 50 pounds worth of chestnuts, fly them across the country, and then lay them out to dry in your son’s sunroom.

Back to this last visit. This time…

It was rocks.

My mom brought a valise filled with rocks, ceramics, and bamboo. Because, as you know, we don’t have rocks here in Florida so it’s only natural that she would think it prudent to pack enough rocks for us to complete our interior home garden.

When I was a kid, I was sort of annoyed/embarrassed by these eccentric gifts. Shocking I know. But now: I love it. And I can hardly wait to see what she brings next.

So, thank you, mom. You’re the best, and I love you. I only hope that one day I can repay you in some small measure with equally pragmatic portmanteau products.

Also, remember children, never leave your mothers at home alone unless you want your entire living area turned into a makeshift hydroponics system.